THE IMPORTANCE OF VULNERABILITY
“People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.” – Brene Brown
Vulnerability is something the many people try very hard to get very far away from. The concept of vulnerability can be terrifying and some people equate vulnerability with weakness. This could be a message we received as we grew up, that being soft and open leads to pain and possibly rejection. I think it would be a fair observation that our society does not encourage or reward vulnerability. Rather, those who put on a brave face and smile through the pain are seen to be strong and resilient. However the truth is that embracing our vulnerability is a vital part of emotional development and growth. When we build walls to avoid feeling vulnerable, we inadvertently distance ourselves from our thoughts and feelings and we can feel disconnected from who we are and from those we love.
Vulnerability is the furthest thing from weakness. It takes strength to share your fears, your failures, and your embarrassing awkward moments. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others, it gives us an opportunity to develop deep and meaningful connections with the people in our lives. Humans are social creatures and we thrive when we feel connected to others. An expert in the area of vulnerability, Brene Brown, has dedicated years of research into the importance of vulnerability, and her TEDtalk on vulnerability remains one of my favorites.
Brene’s research has found that individuals who are open and allow themselves to be more vulnerable have a strong sense of belonging and they believe in their core that they are worthy of that love and belonging. Once a person views themselves as having worth, they are more open to being vulnerable and connecting with others.
The first step in working towards being more vulnerable to bring some curiosity into what stops you from feeling worthy? This could be something you explore in therapy or if you are comfortable sitting with this question on your own, it could be a helpful question to reflect on. Take some time to identify what are the roadblocks that prevent you from connecting with a sense of vulnerability. When we are unware of these roadblocks we are more likely to fall into unhealthy patterns. It is important to note that many of the roadblocks we have are normal, and by identifying and validating them, it is a step towards overcoming them.
When we are aware of the discomfort we feel when trying to be vulnerable, we can notice the urge to resist the uncomfortable feelings. Rather than turning away, we want to lean into these feelings and acknowledge them to yourself. You may feel that urge to stop feeling or wanting to get rid of the feelings. Instead try to notice what it is like when these difficult feelings arise and what the experience of going through this feeling is like.
As we connect with the softer sides of ourselves, we can share that experience with people who are supportive and can provide validation and encouragement. That being said, it is a risk to pursue this comfort. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others, we can experience hurt or disappointment. It is often the fear of this pain that makes people reluctant to be vulnerable. The interesting thing is when we experience hurt and are able to recover we become more comfortable with vulnerability and the more we able to tolerate painful experiences. This also allows for more richness in our life experiences, because we give ourselves permission to experience a full range of emotions and we can see our strength and resilience in our ability to be open to vulnerability.
Take a listen to Brene’s first TEDtalk on vulnerability and ask yourself if this is an area in your life that you would like to develop.
