THE PEOPLE PLEASER STRUGGLE
Do you find yourself in situations where despite recognizing that you need to take time for yourself you end up agreeing to supporting or doing something for someone? Maybe people refer to you as being “too nice” and it may feel difficult to assert your needs. It can be hard for someone with people pleasing habits to recognize what they are doing because they have been this way from a young age. The patter can be difficult to identify because it shapes how we relate to the world.
Here is a list of things that can help you to identify if you put other’s positive opinions and perception of you above your own needs. These are some common habits of people pleasers:
Saying no is a struggles
It is difficult to tolerate when someone is upset with you
You avoid situations that involve any sort of confrontation
Always on the look-out for signs that you are being rejected by others
You may apologize when you know you don’t need to and accept blame when it is not necessary.
Thinking about others, and considering the needs and feelings of others is important for the relationships in our lives and help us to connect with others. It can be an issue though if we are solely relying on how others view us as a gauge of our inherent worth. People pleasers often go out of their way to do things for others in order get their approval. Sometimes people can become used to this behavior and rather than being appreciative they may start taking you for granted. There is no way to know if your friends, family, and colleagues will acknowledge the sacrifices that you have made. They may not even realize that someone is making sacrifices for them because they are so used to it. This can lead to bitterness and resentment, even if you are people-pleaser you are not entirely selfless and do want your efforts to be acknowledged. When that doesn’t occur that can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors that can be confusing to the people around them.
How to disrupt people pleasing patterns and overcome this pattern of behavior:
Recognize the patterns: in order to break the patter, we first need to be aware of it. Ask yourself: How would I feel if this person was disappointed in me? and observe how you feel and what comes up for you. This can be an overwhelming process so remember to be compassionate and kind to yourself.
Practice being assertive: You can build on your assertiveness skills and it is an important part of being able to say “no”, and setting boundaries.
Work on Setting Boundaries
Look for Self-Worth Within: This is so important, deep, and constantly evolving work. Figure out what you are good at and develop these competencies – you will begin to feel confident while exploring interests that are entirely for you.
Practice Distress Tolerance: Sometimes we want to please others to suppress challenging emotions, which means we have less experience tolerating them. That doesn’t mean you can’t start now though. We can practice accepting challenging emotions by practicing distress tolerance.
