March 2021

March Mental Health Challenge: Developing Self-Compassion

We all experience pain and suffering in some form during our lives. Whether that is disappointment, frustration, rejection, loneliness, health issues, or financial stress, we experience a great deal of pain but often we don't know how to treat ourselves kindly. Developing self-compassion is an important part of coping through difficult time. When we engage in self-compassion we treat ourselves with the same warmth and kindness that we extend to those we love when they are in pain. Here is a script from Acceptance and Commitment Therapist, Dr. Russ Harris, that is focused on this idea of self-compassion through touch.

"Find a comfortable position in which you are grounded and alert. Gently close your eyes or lower your gaze, whatever feels the most comfortable. Take a moment to focus on your breathing. Not trying to change your breath in anyway, just allowing your breath to breathe itself.

Now bring to mind a problem that you are struggling with. Take a few moments to reflect on the nature of this issue. Remember what has happened, consider how it is affecting you, and think about how it might affect your future.

And as you do this, notice what difficult thoughts and feelings arise. Tap into a sense of curiosity, and notice where you feel this pain in your body. (is it your head, neck, shoulders, throat, chest, abdomen, arms, legs?). Notice it as if you are a curious child discovering something totally new and fascinating: where exactly is it, and what’s it like?

Now pick one of your hands, and turn it palm upward, and take a moment to connect with times you have used this hand in kind ways. Perhaps you have held the hand of a loved one in pain; or rubbed his back, or given him a supportive hug. Or maybe you have cuddled and rocked a crying baby. Or maybe you have used this hand to help out a friend with some difficult task.

See if you can fill this hand right now with that same sense of caring, support, and kindness. Imagine it filling up with warm, kind energy. Now place this hand, slowly and gently, on whichever part of your body hurts the most. (Perhaps you feel the pain most in your chest or in your head, neck, or stomach?) Wherever it is most intense, lay your hand there. (If you’re numb, lay your hand on the part that feels the numbest. And if you’re feeling neither pain nor numbness, then gently rest your hand over your heart.)

Allow your hand to rest there, lightly and gently; feel it against your skin or against your clothes. And feel the warmth flowing from your palm into your body, and spreading in all directions, up and down. And wherever you find an area of pain or tightness or tension, let that warm, kind energy infuse it, and imagine your body softening around this discomfort: loosening up, softening, and making plenty of space. If you’re numb, then soften and loosen around that numbness. (And if you’re neither hurting nor numb, then imagine it any way that you like. You might imagine that in some magical sense, your heart is opening, for example.)

Hold your pain or numbness very gently. Hold it as if it is a crying baby, or a whimpering puppy, or a priceless and fragile piece of art. Infuse this gentle action with caring and warmth – as if you are reaching out to someone you care about. Let the kindness flow through your fingers into your body. Now use both of your hands in one kind gesture. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. Let them both gently rest there, and hold yourself kindly.

And as you rest in this space of warmth and kindness, take a moment to consider that this pain (or numbness) is a part of being human. It’s not a sign of something wrong with you. It’s a sign that you are a living, caring human being. This is what living, caring humans feel when life is difficult; we hurt (or we shut down and go numb). This is something you have in common with every living human on the planet. It’s a part of who you are, a part of being human and having a heart.

Take as long as you wish to sit in this manner, connecting with yourself, caring for yourself, contributing comfort and support. Continue this for as little or as long as you wish: five seconds or five minutes, it doesn’t matter. It’s the spirit of kindness that counts when you make this gesture, not the duration of it."

See if you can take some time this month to cultivate feeling of self-compassion and kindness when you are experiencing pain or hurt.

Mental Health Tip: The Power of Apology

Let's face it, we're all human and as such we are going to make mistakes. We may hurt or harm the people we love with those mistakes. It can be hard to take accountability in moments of error and apologize to those we have let down. We may try to apologize but in the process just make an excuse or minimize the wrong-doing. When done right, an apology can be empowering and can also bring people closer together, which is really needed during this time. Here is a quick guide to apologies:

1. Acknowledge what was done wrong and take responsibility. Accountability is a key part of rebuilding trust.

2. Do not make an excuse or centre yourself as a victim. We sometimes put ourselves in a position where we frame ourselves as the hurt party even though we were the ones who caused the harm. Don't do this because this takes away from the power of the apology.

3.Express that you understand what was harmful, disappointing or offensive and why. (note: if what you express isn't in line with what the other person feels, a conversation needs to be had so there is a shared understanding)

4. Communicate what you are going to do to rectify the situation and what you plan to repair the wrong. Do not promise something you know you cannot change.

An example apology: "I didn't cook dinner like I said I would. I am not going to take up time and explain why it didn't happen, I was wrong for not following through. I understand that you were counting on me and I disappointed you. I am going to start cooking now, and next time I am supposed to cook dinner I will set an alarm so I don't lose track of time."

This month when you find an opportunity to apologize (big or small) and see if this helps to rebuild trust in your relationships.