Let’s Talk about Death

First before we get into today’s blog post, if you are struggling with suicidal ideation this post may not be for you. Our fear of dying can serve a function to help us avoid things that could kill us. A healthy and functional fear of death can help us make healthy choices. If you’re feeling suicidal, perhaps instead of reading this post reach out to someone who can help you. At the end of this post I have provided information for crisis lines in the Greater Toronto Area. You can also click here (https://www.wallisandsainipsychotherapypractice.com/new-page-5) for additional crisis supports.

Death is not a topic that comes up in casual conversation, and most people are not comfortable speaking about death. This can make it incredibly difficult when we are inevitable faced with the reality of death in our lives. At some point we will experience loss through the death of a loved one. It could be a grandparent, a parent, a close friend, a pet. Even the death of someone we didn’t know personally can affect us. For me, the death of Robin Williams was a painful loss because of how beloved he was to me as a child as Genie and Mrs. Doubtfire. 

Talking about death and loss is painful however it is necessary to process the emotions that arise from it and to better understand our own relationship with the topic of death. A dysfunctional fear of death can lead to avoidance behaviors that generally leave us feeling worse and can lead to increased anxiety that takes us further away from living a life that is connected to our values and what is important to us.

Death can be scary to talk about and people have different fears in relation to death. What is it about death that makes you afraid? When we are anxious/fearful of something we will often go out of our ways to avoid it or anything that may triggers thoughts related to it.  Ask yourself “Why is death scary for me?”. Is it:

1.       Because you are unfamiliar with it?

2.       Because it is unknown/uncertain?

3.       Because you’ve got intrusive thoughts about death?

4.       Fear of pain, for you or your loved ones?

If you answered yes to the points above, that can point to anxiety and a fear of the unknown and not knowing how to handle discomfort and anxiety. This is partly due our cultural approach to death, which for the Western world is generally “don’t talk about it, it’s uncomfortable”. Thinking about death, whether that’s our own or the death of others can be really uncomfortable. It can bring up painful feeling of fear, sadness and/or uncertainty. For those with trauma, or people who are emotionally sensitive or tend to be more anxious, these feelings of fear and anxiety around death can be incredibly intense. The painful feelings on their own are not disordered, however when we respond to those feelings with avoidance, rumination or in a way that interferes with our functioning then that is when it can start to become a problem and we can benefit from developing skills to cope with those emotions.

Our culture is incredibly death avoidant, and when the topic of death arises most times you can notice the anxiety rise in the room. Even funerals are carefully staged and the dead are whisked away from their families and carefully prepared by strangers and they’re chemically treated to help us avoid thinking decay. I took a course in university on the psychology of death and dying and part of that trip involved a trip to a funeral home and I was surprised to learn how much people will pay for a protective casket, which is another way to avoid facing the reality of decay and what happens when we die. Avoidance is how our culture tends to cope with death, and even during a pandemic where many of us have had to face the reality of death, we try very hard to not think about the loss of life. In some ways the restrictions has resulted in further separation from the realities of death, as people are on their own when they die, making it almost an abstract concept. Most of us have not sat with a dying person or helped wash, or dress the body of the dead, which culturally is generally left to professionals. This can protect us from uncomfortable feelings in the short term, but the less familiar we are with death, the more likely we will fear it.

If you are afraid of death or the fear of death is controlling your life, you can benefit from to spend more time addressing the reality death. This is of course more difficult during the pandemic, as we are not able to see our loved ones when they are hospitalized however there can be ways to connect even from a physical distance, whether that is through virtual means or special accommodations with the facility for one person that is able to visit their loved one. 

For the next few weeks I’ll be sharing some skills that you can build to overcome the fear and avoidance that you feel related to the topic of death.

Resources:

• Resources: Toronto Distress Centres: 416 408-4357 or 408-HELP

• Oakville Distress Centre: 905 849-4541 for residents of Halton Region (Burlington, Halton Hills, Milton and Oakville)

• Durham Region Distress Line 905-430-2522