Let’s Talk About Death Part 2
First before we get into today’s blog post, if you are struggling with suicidal ideation this post may not be for you. Our fear of dying can serve a function to help us avoid things that could kill us. A healthy and functional fear of death can help us make healthy choices. If you’re feeling suicidal, perhaps instead of reading this post reach out to someone who can help you. At the end of this post I have provided information for crisis lines in the Greater Toronto Area. You can also click here (https://www.wallisandsainipsychotherapypractice.com/new-page-5) for additional crisis supports.
This series of blog post is heavy and I can understand why some may feel uncomfortable at the idea of talking more about death. We may prefer to avoid it, even if it means that we are not emotionally or mentally prepared when we experience loss through the death of loved one. This got me to think about the skill of “Willingness” from Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
When we are faced with the reality of death, some people will react with “Willfulness”, which is a refusal to tolerate a situation and is the opposite of doing what is required. “Willingness” on the other hand is allowing the world to be what it is and participating in it fully by doing what is needed, not any more or any less.
This skill remind me of this scene from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deBFr9AjhP0
In the episode Uncle Phil has a heart-attack, his son, Carlton, avoids going to the hospital to see his father because he does not want to see his father in a weakened state. Will gets angry with Carlton and tells him that he is selfish, but that’s not really it. Carlton is scared.
It can be difficult to be there for your loved ones. You feel their pain, you grieve their loss, and it really hurts. It can seem like an easy solution to stay away from it. Speaking with friends who have had to care for their dying grandparents, they shared that as they spent more time with them, caring for them and facing their uncomfortable feelings, they were able to develop a confidence in their ability to handle things.
The feelings were still uncomfortable but they weren’t unmanageable and they felt more equipped to handle it. That’s where the skill of Willingness comes in. Willingness is the skill of sitting with emotions. Not seeing the emotions as bad or negative but as an expression of love. Willingness is about relaxing into feelings and remind yourself that it is okay to feel strongly. Sit with your feelings, open yourself up to your emotions. In order to avoid feeling the pain associated with death we would have to stop loving and caring for the people in our lives and numb our hearts. The problem is doing that can lead to depression, and loneliness and now you’re still feeling pain and anxiety in a different way, perhaps even more of it. You also don’t get to feel the positive emotions like love, connectedness, and joy and you don’t get to experience the richness that you get from those deeply meaningful relationships.
One way to practice Willingness in relation to death is to go to funerals. Go to funerals and allow yourself to cry, and laugh. Funerals can be uplifting and they can guide you to remember your purpose and mission in your life and to make your life be about something more than just pleasure but to make it about something meaningful and beautiful to you. Avoidance can help us to avoid pain but can take away from the richness of life. If we want to learn a new language, we have to experience the feelings of embarrassment when we make mistakes as we learn. If I want to run a marathon, I have to feel my legs burn the further I run. If I want to find a lasting relationship, I may have to experience the anxiety of uncertainty in relationships or breakups as part of that process. As you practice willingness, your fear of death will subside and it will be replaced with the belief in your ability to sit with difficult emotions and you’ll be more able to act in a way that lines up with your values and make intentional choices about to respond to the pain or death of your loved ones.
Resources:
Resources: Toronto Distress Centres: 416 408-4357 or 408-HELP
Oakville Distress Centre: 905 849-4541 for residents of Halton Region (Burlington, Halton Hills, Milton and Oakville)
Durham Region Distress Line 905-430-2522
