SETTING REASONABLE RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS
Let me begin by stating something many of us already know, relationships are not easy and require hard work and effort. This can be a shock because growing up we are sold the myth the once we find “the one”, we will walk away into the sunset, hand in hand, and so begins the happily ever after. It was “meant to be” and you’re in love, so it should be easy, right? Right?!?! Nope.
It can be quite the shock when we realize that once we enter into a relationship, there is still a lot of work to be done and happily ever after isn’t quite as simple as it is in the movies or in fairy-tales. Then again life is rarely ever a fairy-tale, even though it would be easier if it was. Working through relationships challenges can actually bring couples closer together. These challenges can also highlight another important truth in relationships which is that one person cannot meet all your needs all the time. Along with the myth of “happily ever after”, we are often raised with the belief that our partner will be the only person we need to rely on as we go through life and they will be the key person in your support system.
The truth is no matter what type of relationship, we will have unfulfilled needs. It is unreasonable to expect our partners to meet all of our need on an ongoing basis. The reality is fulfillment in relationships is constantly changing. It changes based on the day, our mood, and even by how tired/energized we are. A simple change in environment can shift a desperation to get a need met into something totally innocuous. If we’re ignored on a day we’re in a good mood it might just feel like a small hiccup but if we’re ignored on a day where we are already tired and irritable it can feel like our partner has abandoned us or no longer loves us.
You are not perfect, and neither is your partner. You’re both human and flawed and you will make mistakes. It can help to use dialectical thinking (the concept that two opposite ideas can be true and the same time, and when considered together, can create a new truth and a new way of viewing the situation). This may look like accepting what you don’t get from your partner, while also appreciated what they have to offer.
Having open communication and sharing your needs throughout the relationship can help your partner to better understand you. It is also important that you do the same in return. Recognize that it can be unhealthy to expect your partner to fulfill your needs at all times. For some, when we have experienced an unmet need in our childhood, it can show up in our adult relationships. That desperate need to receive from our partner may have a link back to issues that occurred in childhood. These parallels show up for most is not all adult in their relationships.
Many people don’t share their needs or lack of satisfaction with partner until after resentment has come to define the relationship. When the sharing begins here, it is often done through the communication of major disappointment, contempt, and conflict. Starting with honest communication early in the relationship can prevent a serious crisis from arising. You can strategize with your partner about what you need any potential barriers.
